Through this Substack, I’ve shared a few stories I've been working on over the past few years. Most of the stories I’ve posted here could be considered auto-fiction based on my life, but with some artistic liberties taken (to make the stories more interesting or because I’ve forgotten some of the details and conjured up the gaps).
I haven’t shared all the stories I’ve written. Just a select few I’ve polished up and re-written a few times. Would I do it all over again? Yes, I would absolutely write down my experiences and share them with those closest to me. Would I share them with a broader audience? Not sure. I’ll share that experience in a later post.
Ultimately, for me the process of writing down these stories has been rewarding. This post shares why you, dear reader, should consider doing the same.
Do it for you. To remember, to process, to reflect. It’s a form of meditation. It’s cheaper than therapy. You might forgive yourself a little bit. You might appreciate yourself a little bit. You might notice some patterns and narratives that you’d like to change and improve upon.
Do it for your closest family and friends. I have an expanded appreciation for those who were around me during those times. Some who I’ve realized I should acknowledge and thank. Some relationships that needed mending. I have a wife and two kids- some of these stories happened before their time. Some they may not know or remember.
Don’t forget to remember. Inevitably we all start to forget some of the details and the memories as time passes. Documenting them can help kindle and preserve memories that fade a little bit every year. That was certainly my experience.
It’s good for your brain. It’s natural to settle into routines, what you are familiar with, what you are comfortable with, and what you must do as part of your career or daily routine. But sometimes, you must challenge yourself and try things you don’t usually do to keep your mind sharp and stimulate your creative juices. Most of us don’t make a living by writing. Writing a story can help improve your communication and thinking skills and help you stay sharp.
Finally, your life might not be historic but it’s still part of a family's history. One that future generations can refer to now while you are living, or later when you are gone. Sure, they are usually aware of some of the murky details. My father loved to tell stories. But they were generally about other people. I wished I knew more about his life- but I only realized that around the time he became disabled and could no longer tell them. That was one of the main reasons I started writing them down.
How:
It’s pretty simple. Just start f*cking writing. Your stories don’t have to go beyond the screen or the paper pad you use—no need to edit. You can do that later if you like.
Start this exercise without worrying about structure, grammar, or what other people might think if they read it. This exercise should be for you.
Starting from the beginning and working your way to the present might have some benefits, but that might not be what inspires you.
For me, a specific memory or event would spark a story, and I’d start writing. That would also generate other memories and stories. I drafted each of them in a separate Google Doc in a folder. Some I went back to and kept refining. Some I started to share with others, and some I deleted or left in draft form.
Pictures, journals, and objects from your past can often inspire a story. Based on an old travel journal I found in a box; I’ve written stories about my trip across Russia and Eastern Europe in the early nineties. A block of charred redwood that an uncle carved into a bust of Santa Claus inspired another. A small wrestling medal in my son’s desk drawer inspired another.
Read:
Accomplished writers often say that you become a better writer by reading. Here are a few suggestions I have that relate:
Memoirs: I found a link to the NYT list of the 50 best memoirs and was alarmed to discover that I haven’t read any of them yet. But I’m going to start.1
Here are some I did read:
A Manual for Cleaning Women: This book inspired me to start writing again. It’s not a memoir, but most stories are based on the author's history. Lucia Berlin lived a complicated life. She lived in 33 homes and had three husbands and four sons. She was a published author and worked a variety of jobs: ER nurse, cleaning lady, hospital-switchboard operator, teacher. She was prosperous, and then poor, and drunk and then sober.
All of her stories, particularly those about her job as a cleaning woman, spending time in a laundromat, and as a child helping her uncle pull out his rotten teeth, were riveting to me because they shared a window into what was going on in her journey.
Under the pen of a less gifted writer these stories would be less interesting to an outside reader. But even if Lucia was not a brilliant writer, and most of the world never knew about her life, I’d tell her that there are multiple benefits for writing down some of her experiences. First of all: It would be nearly impossible for her sons and grandchildren to have an understanding of everything she experienced if she didn’t. And secondly, she obviously had a lot to sort through- good times and bad- what it all meant- how all of it shaped her into the person she became. Documenting some of it on a page had to help her do that.
Hillbilly Elegy- JD Vance: This was a selection for my wife’s book club. I picked it up after her and appreciated the story which starts as a child in Appalachia, progresses to Ohio, then the Marines, and eventually to Yale Law School. Ultimately, it didn’t leave a strong impression on me, but I did appreciate a window into experiences I’m not familiar with, the author’s grit and determination, and how he recounted the positive and the negative influences of his family during this time.
I’ve been less impressed with JD Vance’s recent career, but you could certainly argue that he (and his editor) has written a better book than I have. And, perhaps, now that I have written my self-absorbed story, I could eventually become a VP candidate just like him.
The Tender Bar- J.R. Moehringer: This is another book I found lying around the house that I decided to read. It also reinforced my interest in writing down my stories. The author would become quite a successful writer, ghostwriting stories about Phil Knight (Shoe Dog) and Prince Harry, writing for the NY Times and LA Times and writing many excellent novels and short stories. This book tells of his coming-of-age experience from childhood to his twenties mainly centered around family and the people he met at a local bar called Publicans. What was most inspiring to me was the way Moehringer brings those characters to life and how they impacted him. He is an excellent writer and weaves in relationships with his grandfather, deadbeat dad, single parent mom, charismatic but flawed uncle, and a group of regulars at a bar. Most of us couldn’t weave all this together into a coherent story that would become a best-seller. But we could all start to write a few pages of these characters. In doing so we’d probably start to consider what they meant to us. How they shaped our path to adulthood.
Obituaries & Eulogies: In Writing A Eulogy I wrote about my frame of mind when I planned out my father’s obituary and how that experience forced me to re-center my perspective and focus on life.
Many years earlier I came across an article about how going through an exercise of writing your own obituary can force you to live with more intentionally. It was an interesting idea because it really forces you to stop and think- What do you want to be remembered for?
I enjoy reading The Economist obituaries: I’ve been a subscriber for over 30 years and don’t know of any other media source that rivals it for objective, unbiased reporting. The Economist has become expensive to the point that I now debate whether I will renew yearly. But I probably will continue. I will because I’m concerned about media bias at each end of the spectrum and fake news served online by an algorithm that knows precisely what you predisposed to click on. I want to control the content I read, and the perspective shared from a source I trust and also because each week they publish an obituary. Sometimes of famous people. Sometimes obscure ones.
Here is an excerpt of a recent one. Somebody I’d never heard of- Francisco Lopera of Columbia. Francisco was passionate about a cause that proceeds from this site have been donated to:
His father’s tears persuaded him. Francisco Lopera, then in his first year of medical training, had gone with him to see his grandmother in Medellín. His father had not wanted him to study medicine; he thought he was not intelligent enough. But that was not why he wept. He wept because the old lady, in the last stages of Alzheimer’s, stared blankly at them, not knowing who they were. Then and there, Francisco made a vow: when he became a doctor, that was not going to happen to any granny.
Every ounce of his energy went into that promise. But it was hard to keep. Alzheimer’s was incurable. By his count, more than 800 drugs had been tried on it, to no effect. It was a sly disease, asymptomatic for as much as 30 years, but all that time sticky plaques of amyloid protein, rubbish as he thought of it, were being laid down in the brain, and neurons were dying. Silently, the patient—his grandmother—was being destroyed. First she forgot small things, then how to cook, then who she was. When dementia set in, she would not even know she had it. But her family would be exhausted and devastated.
In the northern Colombian province of Antioquia, in the poor mountain villages where he had grown up, people had many theories about what caused la bobera, “the foolishness”. He had heard them all. You could catch it by having sex with a mad woman or touching the bark of a rare tree. Or a priest had left a curse, after he found people stealing from the collection box. The prevalence of the disease in Antioquia was certainly strange. But that was a mystery he solved himself.
You’ve been putting some words on paper (or in a document). Now What?
Once you’ve done that, you can decide how far to take it.
You might find it helpful and, as mentioned above, a way to process things and reflect. You will probably feel better after doing it. The time you spent doing that were moments not spent scrolling, on social media or mindlessly watching TV. There is still plenty of time to do that, but a break is good.
You don’t have to do anything with it.
You could keep writing. More stories or refining the ones you’ve started.
You could decide to share some people close to you. When I did so a few family members sincerely appreciated it.
You could share them with a broader audience. You could post some on social media or a medium like Substack.
You could print them out in a memoir book for your loved ones. Much like you might share a personal gift like a family calendar instead of a generic gift card for the holidays. This might be better received if you are a grandparent sharing it with your grandkids than if you are in your 40’s or 50’s and sharing it with your friends, co-workers and in-laws.
If it's a good story and you are a gifted writer willing to invest the time, you might find an agent to publish it. At that point, I can no longer help you. You will need professional help.
Perhaps I should have read a few of the books on this list before publishing my own stories. It could have been a better read for all of us :) Oh, well.
Loved this and loved being apart of this process with you. You are very very good writer and hope you continue